Devoted fans, passionate lovers and casual acquaintances - I apologize for not posting in a long time; I have been busy writing and editing a reasonably decent draft of my new romance novel, “The Steamiest Pile,” a (slightly) hyperbolic retelling of my first orgy.
I’m posting an excerpt from the third (and in my opinion the hottest) chapter: “The Beast With At Least Four Backs, but I might be off by a back or two because I was too busy orgasming to count”
Tristan didn’t even wait for me to finish shaving my legs - he pulled me out of the shower while I had one shin still covered in thick hair.
“I like my women mammal-y,” he growled into my ear.
That’s all I needed to hear, and I began ripping off his clothes to catch him up to my total nakedness. If only I had a couple more pairs of hands to help this speed up, I thought.
And just like that, before I even got his boxers off, there was a soft knock at the door.
“Who’s that?” Tristan asked.
“Either someone is at the door,” I whispered, “or it’s the orgasm fairy knocking on the door of my vagina.”
Tristan’s normally blank brow furrowed.
“Is that real?”
“A door on my vagina?”
“Oh, the orgasm fairy?”
I laughed. “Don’t be silly, Tristan. She’s just a character created by our parents and perpetuated by the greeting card industry.”
Tristan frowned. “So who was putting those quarters under my pillow every time I masturbated?”
More knocks at the door, this time louder. Curious, I walked to see who was there.
Through the peephole I saw a few women who did not look familiar - unless you count that recurring wet dream I have every night after I eat tacos.
These women were beautiful - eyes that sparkled with mischief, long hair flowing from their armpits and a slight dark fuzz between their nostrils and their luscious lips. Just my type, I thought.
I opened the door a crack.
“Can I help you ladies?”
“Yes,” answered the blonde one. “We’re neighbors. Can we borrow a cup of SexwithyouandTristan?”
“We need it to bake our Orgywithourneighbors Cake,” added the brunette, tossing her luxurious armpit hair over he shoulder like sexy natural shoulder pads.
I looked to Tristan. He didn’t say anything, but his growing man tent did all the talking I needed.
“Come on inside,” I said as I unlocked the door. “Inside …me.”
Stay tuned for more!
If you, like me, are a classy young lady whose wallet is as tight as her vagina, you know the day-to-day struggle to stay beautiful without maxing out all your Victoria’s Secret Angel cards!!!
Well I’ll let you in on a few beauty tricks that will break guys hearts… without breaking the bank!
Who needs a million face products to get that dewy complexion? Not you… if you just slather Pot Roast on that beautiful face. Guys will be begging for Dinty Moore of you!
Flamin’ Hot Cheetos don’t just turn your poop red - they also make a ravishing, I-just-had-lots-of-sex-with-a-man flush if you rub them on those cheeks!
Toss the lipstick aside like an old boyfriend! One bite into this delessy (delicious and messy) Taco Bell creation and those lips will rival Dorothy’s ruby red shoes!
Ladies get manis when they want to impress men - that’s a fact we all know and love!
I’m getting ready for a hot date with this Thai fisherman I met on Venice Beach. Hope he likes my new shark-themed mani, or as I like to call it: shmarnki!
They even smell like fish! And by that I mean I stuck my fingers u—
1. I can do like 400 reps curling your head, sweetheart
2. Come closer so I can snort those tears from your eyes, baby
3. Hey babe, let me inject a little more of this serum into your neck to control your mutant urges
4. The nape of your neck is my favorite place to karate chop
5. Turn on your eyes and see. Robot boy can love human girl.
The airport runway—or landing strip, as some coyly call it—looks like this:
But the inverse is true when grooming one’s loins. For accuracy’s sake, I will sculpt my nether nook to correctly portray an airport runway - bountiful hair everywhere but a tiny passenger jet-sized path.
I expect my many suitors will be pleased.